I will not get mad at you when I get back from lunch at a particular restaurant you recommended to me, because the person I believe to be my business nemesis was also there, “and you should have known better.”
I will not make you responsible for certain tasks, the success of which is based entirely on a lucky mouse click on a website, such as getting me Coachella tickets or a seat at the hottest pop-up restaurant in town, and then act as if you’re somehow lacking in assistanting skills when you fail.
Fox has given pilot orders to comedies I Suck At Girls, from Bill Lawrence; Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer’s To My Assistant; Andrew Gurland & Justin Hurwitz’s House Rules; and David Rosen’s Friends And Family.
Bilsing & Plummer’s To My Assistant, from Warner Bros. TV and Lin Pictures, revolves around the assistants at a big New York law firm band together as a family to help each other cope with the obnoxious, overbearing bosses who test their sanity on a daily basis. Bilsing, Plummer, Dan Lin and Jennifer Gwartz executive produce.
I will not constantly “borrow” your pens and pencils and then grow impatient when it takes you a minute to find one in order to write down some insanely complicated instructions I’m trying to give you.
When I tell you that you can leave early, and, instead of throwing everything in your bag and sprinting for the door immediately, you take fifteen minutes to wrap up what you’re doing first, I will not penalize your thoughtfulness by giving you ten more things to do when I realize you’re still in the office, resulting in your having to stay until your normal, far-too-late leaving time anyway.
I will not make you drive me to my lunch meeting, because “I don’t have time to find parking” (due to the fact that I refused to leave on time), and then display absolutely no chagrin when you pull up to the restaurant to find a completely empty free parking lot next door.
I will not scream at you for not making me my regular morning bagel when, just the day before, I told you that “I really need you to make sure I’m not consuming any carbs when I’m in the office.”
When vaguely describing an Internet video I saw once and need for you to find again, I will not say “It’s on YouTube,” as if that’s some kind of helpful specification.
I will not leave my brand new iPhone propped up in a precarious position on your desk without telling you, as an indication that there is something not right about it which I expect you to be able to fix immediately, and then, when you return to your desk and accidentally knock the phone to the floor before you even see it, doing absolutely no damage whatsoever, spend the next five minutes yelling about your “disrespect for personal property.”