Glances (horrifying)
Upon hearing at an all-staff meeting that our offices will be closed on Friday for the holiday, I will not remark, “Well, I’ll still be here,” and then throw you a friendly look that quickly becomes threateningly insinuating.
Names (usefulness of)
I will not refer to several different people as “him,” “her,” “she,” and “he” when talking to you and then grow impatient and frustrated when you ask me to clarify who exactly I’m talking about.
Communication (verbal)
If I want you to follow me somewhere in the office, I will ask you to do so, instead of making a clicking noise with my cheek as if you were a dog.
Tasks (knowing about them)
I will not call you to ask if you’ve done something I never initially told you to do, and then forward you an email that I sent in which I asked you to do that thing, but forgot to CC you on, as if that somehow counts as proof that you’re not doing your job.
Cause and Effect
When you get a speeding ticket on the way to work, I will not get mad that you were late and complain that you shouldn’t be going over the speed limit anyway, when in fact the reason you were speeding is because I called you that morning to say I needed you in the office 30 minutes earlier than usual.
Impatience (forcing it on you)
I will not make you call everyone you email if they don’t reply within 15 minutes, “to make sure your email went through.” Just because I’m an impatient micro-manager doesn’t mean I need to make everyone think you are, too.
Protocols (prescient)
I will not explain to you our new pre-meeting protocol, which includes five new tasks that I’ve never asked you to do before, and then, when I’m done explaining, complain about the fact that you didn’t do those five things before my last meeting, before you even knew I wanted them done.
Competition (completely unnecessary forms of)
After hearing that another executive, with whom I have a jealously competitive relationship, is going to Coachella this year, I will not make you scramble to find me two sold-out VIP passes, even though I don’t really want to go at all.
Freebies (babysitting)
When my spouse comes to visit the office and brings our children, I will not drop them with you at your desk for 2 hours while we go have a nice meal together and still expect you to have finished a major project by the time I return.
Important Documents (not losing them)
I will not ask you to “look into” the divorce paperwork that I misplaced before you even started working for me - the reason that I’m bringing it up at this moment being that I now want to marry someone else.
