I will not whine about how “your only job is to be available to do you job” just because you can’t join a conference call over the weekend due to the fact that you will be driving your best friend to the airport at that time.
I will not get mad at you for going on a vacation that you planned and told me about months in advance, which is now “at a really inconvenient time” (Christmas time), because a big project has just come in and I want you to do all the work on it for me so I don’t have to.
I will not tell you that “I’ll call you in 30 minutes,” instead call you in 2 hours, at exactly the moment you’ve chosen to run to the bathroom because you’ve been holding in your morning coffee for 90 minutes longer than you expected would be necessary, and then, when I finally do connect with you, yell at you for leaving your desk, “when you knew I was going to call you.”
I will not yell at you for not setting up my iPad with 3G service “soon enough” when every time you get on the phone with AT&T to try to add it to my account, I storm over to your desk and demand that you hang up the phone to deal with some other small problem I’ve encountered.
I will not call you on your cell phone when I know very well that you are driving, on your way to pick me up because I decided that I wanted to be chauffeured around all day for no particular reason, and then yell at you when you get to my house for “not making yourself available.”
I will not scream at you for “not adequately preparing the necessary documents for my conference call!” because they were organized neatly in a folder in front of me instead of being carefully laid out all over my desk, which would have been impossible due to the piles of all the other crap you carefully laid there for me to look at, which I never did.
I will not volunteer your services as a driver to one of my friends over the weekend without telling you first and also encourage said friend to take me up on my offer when he or she balks at the idea of taking such advantage of the fact that I have an assistant.
I will not buy you a bottle of nice wine out of a once-yearly urge to be generous, and then accuse you of being an alcoholic when you tell me the next day how much you enjoyed it.
I will not decide that we’re both going to leave the office “early” one day, forcing you to spend two hours in rush hour traffic to get home instead of your usual 30 minutes, and then, when you ask for a day off the next month, recall that “I let you go home early last month!”
When we’re in LA, rushing to get something to the NY office by a certain time, I will not IM you constant updates of what time it is in NY, because you clearly don’t know how to add 3 to a number.